By Deksar sagart-K'sull in Dark Ages
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The sun shined brightly upon the me as I walked into the Temple. I could not remember my past mundane life, but I am sure it was pretty boring anyway. A stood by a mundane, waiting for my appointed guide to show up. Chatting with the mundane, I again confirmed that mundanes do not have much to say (especially after he repeated the conversation three times). Finally my guide came, and I asked him about Temuair.
"What is the Aisling life like, o glorious guide?" I said, eyes gleaming with the prospect of knowledge.
"It's big. Hush up and let me make you a priest," said the hurrying priest.
"But I have a million questions! What ab......yes, I accept..."
"Then don this title, and go find yourself as a Priest!" said the mundane iniator, Erin.
"Cool. Catch you later," said my immensely wise guide, as he chanted a few words and vanished.
I blinked. And then I was back at the entrance of the Temple. With only a few coins in my pocket, and an absent guide, I had to go find some priest clothes. I finally found them at the Tailors, but he said he was out. When I asked why, he just pointed to a huge pile of Cowls in various degrees of tailorship, and a sewing rogue.
"Uh, can I have one of those?" I asked to the sewing rogue.
"Why should I care? I just need the practice. Go ahead," the rogue said, and smiled.
I tried to put on one, but the clothes leaped off me. I just stood there, in my underwear, with my mouth wide open.
"Uh, you can't wear that yet. Its...uh...magic. Gain some more...insight...uhh...into the world, and the clothes won't be so...repulsive...yeah," said the sewing rogue, being nice enough to stop his sewing to help me.
"Oh," I said, 'oh'ing.
A Sane Insanity
As soon as I strolled out with my new cowl (don't ask me how I got it), a peasant came up, said "DIE!", and started hitting me with a stick. I ran like the wind, and was able to finally lose him. I called for a Guard, but got no answer. Then I saw a guard only a few paces away from me. "Help!" I shouted at him.
The guard stood there in his guardly robes, probing the inner regions of his nose so intently, its as if talos was buried in there. He ignored me, to which I responded by walking right up in his face and yelling "HEEEELLLPPPP!!!".
In a flash of arms, I was thrown backwards on to my bottom. The guard then said...
"I need a Guard's help!!" I exclaimed, rubbing my sore bottom.
"Oh, a Guard? Wait, I will get one," he said, about to walk off. However my very puzzled look made him stop. He gave a puzzled look back at me, looked down at his clothes, and said "Oh yeah,".
"Can you help me? Another citizen was attacking me!" I re-exclaimed.
"Assault? Uh, well, I can't help you there..." the guard said, hesitently.
"You can't? But what--"
"Only Guard Captains can, uh, do that. Guards only handle...uh...petty stuff, like dropping an apple in a no-apple-dropping-area," the guard said, interrupting me.
"No-apple-dropping-area?" I asked, very confused.
"Uh, yeah. There are all kinds of areas like that......in fact, this is a no priest area. So get!" the guard said, shoeing me off.
After what seemed like 40 days and 40 nights, I found a Captain of the Guards. He looked like a guard, except he wore a special helmet which covered his face and his tabard looked a bit snazzier.
"I wish to report a case of assault, sir," I said to the Captain.
"Oh really? Who did it?" said the Captain, his helmet vibrating.
"Umm...I think his name was...Citereh! And he was a peasant, and a citizen of The Town!" I said.
"Hmm, interesting. Any witnesses?" the helmet vibrated.
"No, sir," I responded to the helmet.
"Alright, I will take care of it," the helmet said more softly, with almost no vibration.
"Thank you!" I thanked, and walked off. Interestingly enough, a Religous Temple was not far off. I just had to explore that!
A Peaceful Nightmare
"Do ye want to join this religion?" a very beautiful priestess said in a soft voice, smiling softly and placing one hand on my shoulder.
"Uh...sure!" I said, containing my drool within my mouth.
"Then I must ask ye, what faith be this?" she said, smiling brightly.
"Love...love..." I chanted, staring a bit a bit down from her face.
"Hmmm, that's not right," she said, cutely frowning. Then she cutely made a thinking expression and said, "But...I suppose, in the greater theological sense, we all must love to shape our own reality, and..." she said, her words of great intelligence turning into another language for me.
"...and so I suppose that could be, in the strictest sense, correct," she finally ended, "...Welcome to The Faith!" she said, hugging me and walking off.
After an hour of quiet "prayer", I stepped out to greet the world as a Priest of The Faith! I saw a poor peasant moaning about his scarred soul. So, I decided to help him by healing that scar (being the nice Aisling I am). He thanked me, and walked off. Then I started hearing voices. Low moans saying "Heal my scars...heal my scars...heal my scars...". They become louder and louder, and faster and faster, until...
Hordes of Aislings started walking slowly towards me, arms outstretched with their hands empty, slowly moaning "Heal my scars...heal my scars...heal my scars...". I screamed, "AHHHHHH!!", and ran like a kelberoth on fire. The zombie horde of scarred Aislings followed, quickening their pace. I ran and ran, but I knew I couldn't make it...and then I was hidden. A rogue snatched me into the shadows.
"Fifty thousand coins," she said.
"What?!?" I questionaly exclaimed.
"Fifty thou or yer back in the fray," she said, pointing to the now confused scarred zombie horde.
"What choice do I have?" I said, defeated.
After labouring for a week, I was given my freedom again. My muscles ached from all that...gem polishing...it was HARD gem polishing! Anyway, I knew I had to see someone about the zombie horde. I saw a very noble looking person standing at the law board, removing some of the laws and replacing them with some parchments he had in his cape's pocket while two mundane guards look on.
"Hello!" I said, startling the nobleman and making him drop a few documents from his cape.
"I deny everything!!" he exclaimed, waving his arms madly about, "I am just serving The Town!! YOU put me here! How can you condemn me for trying to make The Town better!" he said, adding a muffled, "for me", at the end.
"Uh...right. I just wanted to ask you about a mass amount of people constantly annoying me. What do I do?" I pleaded.
"Hmm. Well, speaking as a Burgess, I don't know if I can answer that. Since we Burgii...Burgesses...whatever we are, we don't handle stuff like that. I am here to make and remove laws," he said, not pausing from picking up his parchments.
"No sir, I just want to learn if it is illegal or not to be chased by a mob intent on either beating you up, or getting their scars healed," I asked the burgess.
"Oh? Well, according to the new Paddywack law..." he said, pausing as a shadowy figure passed behind him, "...its not illegal, you are suppose to heal all their scars or get banished from The Town," he ended, one arm held behind his back.
"What?!?" I exclaimed, "Wait...what is behind your back?"
"Uh...nothing. In fact, its illegal to look behind my back. Its...uh...a sign of disrespect! Yeah," he said, turning so the contents of his back cannot be seen.
With a deft, clever, tricky, and all-around brilliant manuever ("Look up, there's a flying Draco!"), I caught a glimpse behind his back. In his hands, he held a very large bag of gold!
"Aha!" I said, figuring it out, "What are you doing with that large bag of gold from a shadowy figure?"
"NO! No, no, yes, no, no, no, NO! I was NOT bribed!" he yelled defensively.
"I never said you were bribed, I thought it was The Town's taxes or such...you were bribed?!?" I asked, in a shocked voice.
"No! And, it is illegal to talk about bribes without...filling out an application of accusal for bribery! GUARDS!!!" he said, quickly writing something down on a piece of parchment and sticking it to the wall. A guard quickly came running.
"What's up, Burgess?" the guard asked.
"According to the newly passed Application for Accusal of Bribery law, this Aisling is subject to immediate banishment!" the burgess said, pointing to the law board.
The guard squinted at the hastily-scribbled law on the board, shruged, and said "Don't make this any harder then it has to be...come with me!". To which I replied, "AHHHHHHHHHHH!!" and ran to find the Captain.
"Captain! The burgess takes bribes and the guard is trying to get me because he made a new law and the zombie horde is close by and..." I rambled, not pausing for breaths.
"Whoa, whoa. Zombie horde?" the Captain asked, with the helmet shaking with a sign of disbelief.
"Well, they all chant 'Heal my scars...heal my scars...', and walk slowly towards me, so--" I said, interrupted.
"You can heal scars?!?" the helmet asked gleefully, and then the helmet echoed a faint, chanting-like sound...so faint, I needed to get up close to hear it...it was...
"Heal my scars...heal my scars...heal my scars...heal my scars..."
I was barely able to avoid the Captain's massive arms from grabbing me, and sprinted off to find myself in the middle of the scarred zombie horde, to which I sprinted off in another direction...only to see a large group of guards with one guard pointing at me. I was able to escape to a safe area of The Town, but only after doing things I would rather not discuss here...(let me give you a hint - it involves baguettes and lots and lots of cheese!)
This was a different place. There were many guards, but they just stood there looking at me. They did not even say "Hello". Then I sneezed, and 3 guards rushed over to me, swords drawn.
"Sneezing!" one exclaimed.
"Sounds heretical to me..." another said, with the other two nodding.
"My nose got tickled!" I exclaimed, as the swords were getting closer to my personage.
"Hmm, maybe a warning is in order then," one of the guards said, with the other two nodding. With that, they sheathed their swords and walked off.
In a place I thought to be quiet, I decided to practice summoning through The Faith. I was not devout yet, so I was sure The Faith would not let me summon anything really that dangerous. I prayed, and prayed, and prayed...and finally, asked to be given the power to summon. And so it happened, in a flash of light, stormy clouds, thunder in the air! ...I summoned a Bee!
I was playing with my summoned bee, when I noticed the ground started shaking every so slightly. Then it started shaking more...and more...and more...until I could see a large green mass over the horizen...they were coming to me FAST, so I looked closer...
GUARDS! Masses and masses of guards surrounded me and my bee, swords drawn. A Captain walked out, and said "By the proclaimation of The Town, hereby ectera., you are found GUILTY of summoning a hostile creature!"
"Hostile?!?" I exclaimed quizically, "It's a bee!!!"
"It could sting someone!" the Captain snapped. With that, she made a motion with her hands near her neck, and the guards all grinned.
With the only weapon I have being the bee, I yelled, "Bee, ATTACK!!", and rushed off in the confusion.
Pieces of Mind, scattered
Another Rogue grabbed me from the mass of Guards, shushed me, and walked me towards a house in the pitch black of night. He said "Stay here..." and scampered off. And so I collapsed in a heap. After an undeterminable time, I awoke to the sound of a wooden hammer hitting wood. I jumped up, ran in circles, and was held down by some guards.
"Order, order!" the loud person yelled, banging her hammer against the plate, "This court shall come to order!"
"All rise, the honorable Judge is presiding," a guard said.
"Please be seated," the Judge said, "Let us get started, I find this man GUILTY!"
With that last accusation, a man in a red robe and cape with white trim rushed over to the Judge, whispered a few words in her ears.
"I mean, INNOCENT! Alright, let us hear 'the defense'," the Judge said, making quotation marks with her fingers.
After a few moments of silence, seeing that no one was defending me, I yelled at the top of my lungs, "I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!!!". The Judge cheerly replied by sicing the guards on me, and having me forcibly silenced.
"Is anyone joining to defend him? No? Boo-whoo. Well, then I hereby find this man gui--" the Judge declared, interrupted by a loud objection from accross the courthouse.
"STOP! This is a crime against Aisling-kind itself! I shall represent this kind Aisling!" the very neatly dressed Wizard said.
The Judge sneers at the Wizard, and says "Fine. Go have your little talk."
"Be glad to, m'lady," the Wizard says, bowing to the Judge.
"We exist in a world with laws. And without laws, we cannot exist. For laws are what defines us, as being we are of laws. Laws are an integration of society. This man here has broken no laws, yet the laws try to destroy them. And so the laws once again become un-integrated to our society as an aspect of its integrity is rudely interrupted by the reversal of terms in the sections! So therefore it is possible the laws themselves are unlawful, making this an illegal hearing."
With that, the Wizard stops, smiles, and looks to the crowd and the Judge. They are all silent. They just stare at him, all looking very confused. The Wizard pauses and says one more thing.
"And if this Aisling is illegal, then so shall all of us be! Biadh an iasg!!!" the Wizard proclaims, which sends the crowd in a massive uproar of clapping. A young scholarly-looking young aisling comes up to him, book in hand, and whispers something about "feeding the fishes", to which he replies "Oh, thought it ment 'For Freedom' or such...".
"Order, ORDER!" yelled the Judge, banging her hammer.
"I will have a buttered baguette with extra garlic..." said a purple-haired and robed young rogue, to which the Judge promptly threw her hammer at.
The Judge, having no support to hold trial against me anymore, left in an air of disgust. And so I was freed from my captivity, and had a chance to speak with the great Wizard.
"Thank you SO much!" I said, thanking him greatly.
"Don't mention it. This is only phase one of our plan..." the Wizard said, looking intently at a book.
"Eh?" I asked.
"Soon, we shall run The Town. Making the current party look like idiots with this trial...calling their laws stupid and ineffective and all...shall give us victory!" the Wizard said, shaking his fist in the air.
It was then I noticed a red ribbon on his arm. In fact, I noticed it on many people's arms in this place...but then there were yellow ribbon people too, like the Judge...
"You used me to gain political support!" I accused, "You and the people the Judge belong to are political rivals!"
"But of course. Nothing is free, kid. In fact, it seems we just gained enough support to remove those idiot Yellows out of office. Now Red has the upperfield...and since you have outlived your usefulness, and you know too much, I think its time I exiled you, " the Wizard said, with an evil grin.
He then brought out a few pieces of paper from within a folder called "Town Politics", which I translated as "RUN!!!"
I think my mind IS made up (literally)!
My last shelter was a lonely cottage deep in the woodlands. A hermit lived there, but welcomed me in. After a long arguement over why he is a hermit and not a "scholar living in The College near The Town" as he claims, we sat down and talked. I told him of my story, of how I was chased here and there and everywhich way.
"And then came the giant squirrels, and the mantises were wearing woman's clothing, and..." I said, obviously hysterical.
"Calm down young lad. You will never be safe anywhere, I am sorry to say," the hermit said, dashing my dreams of a perfect life.
"What?!? No! There MUST be a way!" I asked, desperate.
"There is only one way. Hug it. Give it kisses. Accept it. Beatha mithear, cia feud sibh dean?" the hermit said, shrugging.
"Eh? Bertha the mighty...eh?" I asked, now quite confused.
The old hermit smiles, and says...
"Beatha mithear, cia feud sibh dean. Crazy life, what can you do?"
And with that, I walked out, now completely insane. Yes, this is what I needed to face to live as an Aisling...for being sane in an insane world...only makes you the crazy one!